“I am slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them. I deserve someone who is gentle and kind, because my soul is getting tired. Realizing that I deserve something good is one of the first steps.”
— Why I Need to Say Goodbye To You (Michelle K)
‘Isn’t it exhausting?’
‘What?’
‘Keeping people out.’
Life is a spell so exquisite that everything conspires to break it.
I am teaching myself how to take up space. How to not apologise constantly for the way I live and breathe. How an apology isn’t something I am supposed to say before I speak in a conversation. How I’m so sorry, isn’t something I have to say before I just allow myself the basic right of speaking about anything.
I am teaching myself that I am allowed to exist on this planet without thinking of myself as a burden. How to not apologise for things that are out of my control. How to understand when people are trying to manipulate me into thinking the worst of myself and most of all how to stop thinking the very worst of myself as I deserve better than that from myself.
I am teaching myself that humans can exist without assuming the very worst about themselves and how the people around them perceive them. How to not apologise when someone bumps into me and I immidiately assume it is my fault. How to not apologise when I ask a question because I think others will think I am stupid. How to love myself for these flawed bits of me no one has ever wanted to love before.
I am teaching myself that all the lies my abusers told me about myself were so very wrong. How I am allowed to make mistakes. How as long as I apologise and amend things, anything is fixable if I still have love in my heart for the other person. How not everything that has ever gone wrong in every relationship is my fault.
I am finally learning how to take up space as a human being. It’s taken a long, long road to get here. And I still have a very long way to go before I am done understanding that it is my job to take up space, that I am not just an afterthought or a secondary character in this gift of life I have been given. That who I am is not an apology, that who I am is not wrong.
holy cannoli.
I am so gosh darn proud of myself this year. I traveled across the world, met amazing friends, challenged myself immensely, forgave myself for being mistreated and mistreating others, experienced new things (scary things, fun things, things I never thought I would experience), forced myself to take the high road, and most of all grew each and every day.
I experienced loss, gained people whom I love dearly, pushed myself when things seemed to get worst each day, sought justice when I needed, spoke up for myself, learned from those around me, learned from myself and taught others.
I let myself be free. free-er than I have ever been.
I learned that many of the chains holding me back weren’t put there by someone else but locked in by me. Chains to keep myself safe and secure.
I let myself be pissed and angry and feel betrayed. I felt like a secondhand thought, I felt like someone’s everything, I felt disgusted with the one who made me feel both of those.
I ended a job I loved. A job that grew me so much as a person and developed my compassion for the world.
